September - November

This post was a work in progress for a long time. I decided to just make one long one from the months of september through the end of november. I did not forget, i just couldnt keep up with everything going on. Its hard to follow, cause ive been writing this post for months so its kinda jumpy. You'll see what i mean, enjoy the chaos!!!

Sadie is done with yet another phase. The last I posted, she was at the very beginning of the phase she just finished. At the start of this phase, I knew it would be bad, but when it becomes reality, no previous mental preparation will ever be enough to deal with the unknown. This phase contained cytoxin and ara-c. They are by far the two worst chemo drugs in her treatment plan. The last time she had these chemos was when she fell and a simple scrape on her knee turned into a staph infection within 12 hours of the initial fall. We were stuck in the hospital for nine days over something so small and common amongst other children her age. Ara-c causes fevers, whether it be due to the chemo itself or the fact that it lowers counts so drastically that your body has absolutly no ability to fight off anything. If a fever occurs, its to the hospital we go, and the hospital we will stay. When ara-c is given, its over a four day span, therefore, sadie comes home with her port accessed, and chemo is administered at home daily. This cycle then repeats depending on how many consecutive weeks the drug is to be given. I HATE BEING THE ONE TO INJECT MY DAUGHTERS VEINS WITH POISON. The thought of it sickens me. Sadies counts are awful, and have been for weeks. She has no immune system what-so-ever, and her bone marrow is not producing red blood cells or platelets in addition to not producing whites. Within the past nine days, she has recieved 3 blood transfusions and 5 platelet transfusions. She is actually recieving platelets as we speak, and is in need for yet another blood transfusion as well. Her platelet count was at a 5 today. Its the lowest it has ever been. She is covered in petechia spots, just touching her at this point will cause bleeding and bruising. An IGG test was done on sadie recently. This test is done to measure the immunoglobulins, AKA antibodies, in a persons blood. These antibodies respond to bacteria, viruses, even cancer cells, by attaching themselves to the foreign substance/cell and destroying it. Normal, or should I say,preferred range of IGG in the blood of a child, is between 400-1000. Sadies was at a 200. So.......in addition to her white count and ANC being at nothing, her IGG was low too. There is such a drug to help the white count recover, but since sadies cancer is a white cell cancer, she can not recieve it. However, she was given an IVIG. This is a transfusion of IGG, to help boost the immune system in that aspect.

Aside from shitty counts and endless transfusions, I cant complain. She did have a pretty bad fall this month. She fell getting out of the bath tub at mikes house, and hit the side of her face on the toilet. It was pretty bad, but things could always be worse. We could be in the hospital a lot more than what we have been throughout this phase. I am extremely grateful that we havent been. Sadie is beginning to despise the hospital, so treatment days are nightmares. Its a battle with her all day long, yet i do not in any way blame her. I want to cry myself every time we walk into that hospital.

Sadie turned four on September 21st, Happy birthday my beautiful baby girl. She managed to stay out of the hospital on her bday, but we were there the very next morning for platelets. I didn't tell her it was her bday until I knew for sure she wasn't going into the hospital that day. She had an okay day for the most part, but you could tell she felt like shit. She had a rough time opening her presents cause she was so exhausted.

Mine and mikes divorce was finalized on the 19th of september. It was in the works for quit some time, but sadies diagnoses with cancer stalled things a bit. I have a lot to say about this. I will always love mike because his blood runs through my childs veins. Like anyone, he is a good man when he wants to be, but we were definately not good for each other. It took me a long time to come to terms with this, but it's truly best for all involved. I never wanted to get married and divorced. I only wanted to do it once and make it count, but I guess that wasn't in the cards for us. For better or worse doesn't mean you can treat someone like shit and they have to stay just because they said that vow. I got the best part of him, and she is my world. Because of her, I have no regrets concerning him and I. To mike, and anyone else who might think it, I am not a neglectful mother. Your opinions of me are false and I do not wish to hear them. Get your facts straight before you judge me, better yet, walk in my shoes before you judge me. I love my daughter and I dont have to prove that to anyone but her. I live in misery everyday worrying about her health. Everything I do is for her so how dare anyone try to tell me otherwise. As if I/we dont have enough shit to deal with. For the record, my personal relationships have nothing to do with me as a mother. You think im a bitch, but maybe you make me that way because you are always riding my ass. Would you want to talk to or be around someone that constantly brings you down?? I cant even shit without someone knowing about it and criticizing every aspect of it. At the end of the day, regardless of how rude you are to me, I still love you. Can those of you that judge me say the same?? Re-evaluate yourselves because your the true problem, not I. Some people are only happy when they are manipulating others, I pray for those of you that do this. I have suffered a lot of heartache with sadie, I will not allow myself to suffer about anything or anyone else. Call me a selfish bitch for it if you'd like, but remember that what you give is what you get. To these people, You know who you are.

Okay, so I have tried to finish this post several times now. Every time I get about done, something happens. Upon trying to finish the first time, Sadie got the dreaded fever. Luckily we were already in clinic when it happened, so we were able to go straight up to the fourth floor.Breaking the news to sadie was not fun.SHE WAS UPSET!!!!! The hospital is miserable to begin with, but when you add the fact that mike and I are not getting along, it makes it torturous. We couldnt stay in the same house together, much less the same room. Needless to say, I have been leaving at night to avoid as much conflict as possible. Im with her when she wakes up, and I leave at bedtime so she can spend time with mike without any tension in the room. Little did I know, this only makes people talk even more about how neglectful I am. I can't wait till she gets to come home.

I had a huge scare with Sadie today. The docs knowingly let her blood get too low. Were talkin in the 5's, that's deadly. Blood was ordered for hours, but no one seemed to care to get it going. Sadie fell asleep, and she wouldn't wake up. In the mean time, her blood pressure dropped to 60/38. The nurse forcibly woke her up and doctors and nurses swarmed her room in a panic. They dropped the head of her bed down to keep the blood flowing to her brain and gave her a bolus, which is basically an intense hit of fluids through the body to raise the blood pressure. Normally Sadie would freak out with people standing over her like that, but she didn't even flinch. I freaked the fuck out and started screaming at everyone in my path to get the fuckin blood NOW!! I was livid!!! I looked at the resident and told him to walk his lazy ass down to the blood bank and get the fuckin blood himself. He took off running. I made it known to the whole staff that day, that something like that will never happen again or I would kill every single one of them. It was a god send that she ran a fever the night before and was admitted to the hospital. I don't like to think about what could have happened if she was at home with me when that went down. I can't talk about this anymore. It haunts my thoughts.

After two several day hospital stays, Sadie is ready to start her next phase. This phase consists of escalating doses of methotrexate, peg, vincristine, and spinals. All chemos, but not as count lowering as the last phase. No unusual complaints about this phase so far, she is almost done with it. Weve had a few delays in treatment due to insufficient counts, and a few transfusions, but anything is better than the shit she got the last phase. Lots of throw ups this round, but shes had lots of good times too. She throughly enjoyed halloween. She got a Jessie costume (from toy story) for her bday, and has practically lived in it since, so that's what she was for halloween. I'm so glad she was able to go out this year. Maw and dad dressed up with her, it was hilarious!!

The fashion show was amazing!!! She was throwing up the day before, so I was nervous about her being able to make it, but she did and it was fucking awesome!!! The day show was a little rough, but she finished the evening show so proud and accomplished. I cried like a baby seeing her cute ass up there. She did make up, and the whole works. Her initial set up on stage was with the girls, but she wanted to be with her boyfriend Dakota, so they switched it just for her. She looked like a princess walking out with all the boys. Thank god for Dakota, he was so good with her all day. I am definitely setting them up in the future. He has the same cancer as Sadie, except his came back so he is restarting his three years all over again. God forbid anything happen to him. Once the cancer comes back, prognosis drops drastically and chemo is soooooooo intense. It's a bad deal. Thank you mom for staying back stage with sadie at the fashion show so I could watch. I love you so much. She wouldn't have done it without you with her. It was a great day for Sadie. She stayed in a hotel, got lots of presents, she went swimming, got pampered, and had a fun day with her friends. It was so exhausting for her and the adults, but it was worth the memories and experience we all gained. Everything was so fancy and extravagant. At one point I made a huge deal out of this chandelier I saw. It was so beautiful!! My only response was "I'm from Jefferson county". That explained the whole thing I'm sure.

Benefit for Sadie put on by Judy Barlow was in October. It was a huge success. I had a wonderful time but would like to apologize to those of you that may have seen me a little buzzed. I would like to thank my bartender brandy for that one. Aunt barb knows what I'm talkin about. I'm sure she would like to thank you too brandy. I will get you back for that one. Anyways thank you Judy, Mandy, mom, guests, everyone. I have an amazing support team. Judy, you are one of a kind!! You have helped me and Sadie girl so much. I love you, thank you, thank you, thank you. I am in debt to you. Even after the benefit, you and your family just keep helping. I am still in awe at your hospitality. To all of my wonderful friends, it was so good to see you. Thank you for coming. I wish it was under better circumstances, but you are all there when it counts and thats what makes true friends.

I don't know how else to say this, so I'm just gonna say it. Raven and James died. I was talking to james's mom daily, so I knew it was coming but it's fucking awful. She is so messed up right now and I don't know what to say, so I just listen. She wanted me to go to the funeral, but I couldn't. She is living my worst fear. I couldn't see her see her baby like that, and I couldn't see her baby like that. It sounds selfish I know, but it would have literally fucked my world up. Talking to her is hard enough. She would have done it for me, and it kills me I couldn't. In addition to this, Maggie is in the bone marrow unit, skylar is being sent to st. Judes cause they can't find a donor match for him, and kaytlen relapsed only a few months after her treatment was over. Her parents noticed paralysis in her face and took her in for a scan. She has a brain tumor. They have to directly access her central nervous system with chemo so they have to put a port in her head. They were the first family we were introduced to when Sadie was diagnosed. I get so discouraged. I have yet to witness a success story. Pray that Sadie is the success story. I don't wish to talk anymore about this. Those children are family. All of us are family. We feel the hurt and loss of each others children and it's a pain I can not express. It's an unspoken bond and connection between us all.

So after this phase Sadie repeats the cytoxin/arac phase that she just finished a few months prior. It's the last phase before maintenance. It's the last of the intense chemo. It's the last but the most intense, just in time for the height of cold and flu season. I am terrified. I have nightmares about it. She has to push through it okay. I'm a fucking wreck. Im worried about that, I'm worried about her treatment being delayed. It's already been delayed once before this phase and twice during it. That's not good. I'm worried about the cancer coming back, I'm worried about her getting sick. I'm worried about all these transfusions and her iron levels. I'm worried about her glucose levels, shes on the verge of becoming diabetic. I'm worried about her blood pressure being low, I'm worried about her blood getting low and not catching it in time, I'm worried about everything. To top it off, mike and I are at each others throats, and being away from Sadie every other night is pure torture. I can't take it. My mind is so bothered and my health is no better. I recently had to have a surgery, and after four weeks, I still feel a little pain. Between that and stress, I'm not healthy right now. I feel run down and broken in every way possible.

Happy late thanksgiving to everyone. Hope your holiday was good. Sadie was so excited about the big bird. She bugged me for days about cooking it. Of course I had to lie to her and tell her it was a big chicken or she wouldn't have touched it. She is so picky. So.... Thanksgiving day finally came around, and she woke up with a fever. Go figure. Went to the ER, and got some cultures drawn but she didn't have to be admitted cause her ANC was above a 500 so it wasn't a fever due to counts, it was just a side affect of the chemo. On the other hand, she did need a blood transfusion, so she didn't get home till about 9pm. I left at about 4:30 to go home and make the turkey. I was giving her a thanksgiving no matter what. It was perfect timing, her and mike walked in right as the turkey got done. She was so excited. She loved the big turkey chicken. It turned out to be an alright day for her after all.

Delayed Intensification

Yet another post that is long overdue, so there is lots of catching up to be done since the last time I have written. Okay, so let's back up. In my last post, I talked of Sadie going in to get counts on a Wednesday I believe, and they came back somewhat decent. Well.....by the time sunday came around, she was in need for a transfusion. Within a days time, from saturday morning to saturday night, sadie's slight bruising turned into rapid, deep bruising, all over her body. She started to present with bleeding under the skin as well, so I knew it was time to go. We called the doc at about midnight, and she told us to come in first thing in the morn on Sunday. Since clinic was closed, we had to go through the ER, which I hate, because those people know nothing about leukemia protocol and accessing ports. First time in the ER at a previous visit, they missed her port all together, so I despise these people. Common sense says, if you don't know what your doing, then don't do it. I told them of my previous experience at this visit, and told them to get me someone that for sure, without a doubt, knew what they were doing, cause there was no room for error this time. I had this nurse so nervous, that she was literally shaking so bad that's it's a wonder she was even able to access her. You could see the sigh of relief on her face when she got a blood return on the line. Sadie's CBC showed that her platelets were at a 28, and her white count and ANC had dropped drastically since the finger poke Wednesday. She received her transfusion, and due to her ANC being so low, she wasn't able to attend her surprise birthday party on mikes side of the family. That was her last chance to see them for a long time to come. Thank god she didn't know about the party, but I was still so devastated for her. Cancer fucking sucks!!!!

The following Sunday, I was seen in the hospital, and referred to a specialist, because the ER doc was afraid to treat me with all the other health issues I have going on. I still haven't done this, for there is no time. They flooded me with fluids, among other things, and Sadie did not like that. We sent her a pic of me with my iv pole, and this saddened her greatly. I thought that it would make her feel normal that mom had to do the same stuff, but it didn't. She doesn't like people messin with her momma. I've had my fair share of surgeries and hospitals, so I can sympathize with her greatly, although nothing will ever compare to what she goes through. I was fortunate enough to go in the OR with her when her port was being surgically implanted, but that was only until she fell asleep. After that I obviously had to leave, but I was so grateful they allowed me to suit up and stay with her until then. They never allow this, for it is a sterile environment, but I'm a pusher, and it wasn't gonna be any other way. She would see my face last before she went out, and my face first when she woke up, and that was the only option. I can not explain the feeling i felt when i had to walk away from her that day and leave her on that operating table knowing what they were putting in her, and why. I will never forget it, and I don't want to!! It has changed me along with so many other things, and this whole experience has created a bond between her and I that only the heavens could comprehend. Naturally, parents love their children unconditionally, but they will NEVER understand how deep this runs until their child's life is threatened to be taken from them. To all of you, I pray this never happens.

So anyways, Sadie was due to start her next phase of treatment on August 15th. I was skeptical about this, because her counts were so low and she had to make counts in order to start. A CBC was ran, and........she barely made counts. Phase 4 was started off with a spinal, and three chemo doses in one day. I still cant bring myself to sit in on the spinals, but i will stay with her till shes asleep. They call it "asleep", but its anything but. Her eyes never close. They remain open and they dart around so fast that you cant keep up with them. Since there is no blinking, tears stream from her eyes and soak her face. It is too much for any mother to see, yet i suck it up and just do it until i know shes out. I leave that procedure room every time with a hole in my heart and a sadness I can not put into words. She is back on the steroids, so she is very moody, and mean. They change her personality so much. Appetite is in full swing, so her days are spent eating. She will not gain weight with the steroids like she did during induction because she is on a week then off, then back on again, and off. So...shes hungry, but her stomach hurts because of the chemo, yet she keeps on truckin.

I have feared this phase for a long time, it is a whole new nightmare for me. I'm going to go into this phase, and I will try to explain it the best I can, so stay with me. The name of this phase is called delayed intensification. Hence the name, it's intense. Every chemo drug in every phase up to this point is combined and given throughout this phase, plus one. The new one she is receiving is called doxorubicin. Dox is a cell-cycle specific drug meaning it can only affect cells that are dividing. A cell-cycle-non specific drug, can only affect cells when they are at rest. Dox is typically given for solid tumor cancers, which sadies is not, but since it affects rapid dividing cells, blood cells are the first to be affected. Since Sadie has a blood cancer, this drug works for her type as well. In addition to attacking blood cells, it attacks the mouth, the hair follicles, the stomach, and the bowel since all contain these rapid dividing cells. This means, mouth sores, low counts, no immune system, hair loss, vomiting, and as Sadie calls it, "bad poopies". The side effect of this med is as all the rest, except it carries a high rate of heart defects. A person can only receive a certain amount of this med throughout their lifetime because it is that toxic. Adults and children have had anything from murmurs, to strokes, to complete heart failure, and everything in between as a result of this chemo drug. This is where my fear sets in. Because of this potential effect, an EKG and an ECO is to be done before the drug is even given to get a baseline of her heart. Follow up scans are given during and for her lifetime after the drug to detect any changes from her initial baseline. This was never done. The very doctor that told me it had to be done, forgot to do it before that first dose was given, and now claims that it's not necessary. Why??......because she forgot and is now covering her ass. I can not tell u how pissed off I am at her negligence. Point being, I absolutely hate this drug. In addition to the dox, she will receive 41 other doses of chemo throughout this 54 day phase and most all are count lowering. I don't think people fully comprehend that a common cold could take my child's life because she has nothing to fight it. With cold and flu season approaching, I am stressed to the max. I have to take her for treatments, which means, I have to take her to one of the dirtiest places there is. A children's hospital!!

I requested a ferritin test on Sadie because of all of the blood transfusions she's had. Ferritin is a ubiquitous intracellular protein that stores iron and releases it. It acts as a buffer so to speak because its supposed to protect your body against iron deficiency and iron overload. High levels of iron are fatal and/or cause permanent organ damage. This is especially true in children, and that is why children's vitamins contain little to no iron. When blood is transfused, iron is transfused, and it builds up in the body. The ferritin which is supposed to regulate it gets overloaded and can't do it's job. This is a risk you take with blood transfusions, but they have to be given, and Sadie has already needed to many. Normal ferritin levels are between 10-143. Sadies was at a 980. When ferritin levels reach 1000 and stay there, it becomes toxic. Therapy will then be given to extract it out, but it's a slow process and in the meantime, it's doing continued damage to the body. I requested a retest on her this coming Monday, and because of her ferritin levels, she cannot be transfused unless she reaches a hemoglobin level of a 7 or below, which is extremely low. Blood transfusions are inevitable, and with her not even being a quarter of the way through this, I fear the repercussions of these transfusions at any given time. It's a lose-lose situation. Without them she can't survive, with them comes huge risks.

To lighten the mood, Sadie was elected to be a model in a fashion show. It is an annual event put on by the foundation friends of kids with cancer. They are one of the leading foundations for children's cancer. Only 20-25 children get elected each year out of all the major children's hospitals, and sadies hospital staff elected her. How fucking cool is that??? It is so her!! It takes place at the ritz-carton on nov 4th. They put her up in a hotel and buy her all new outfits and shoes especially tailored to her size. She is designated an actual model to rehearse with that will teach her how to model and do her make-up. In addition to that, they spend $300 dollars on each child in presents that they will open during there stay at the hotel. She will perform in two shows, morning and night, and all of her needs will be catered to. I can not tell you how perfect this is for her. My only problem is this: November is flu season, and upon speaking to the founder of the foundation, she said that the shows last year maxed out at 700 people each show. That's a whole lotta germs!!!!!!! On the plus side, Sadie will be in her next phase of treatment which isn't so count lowering, so she will have a slight immune system. She will not be in direct contact with the audience, cause she will be on a runway, but shit is airborne, and with that many people, someone is bound to have some funk. It's a wonderful experience for her to have and I know she would throughly enjoy it, but is it worth the risk??? Im at war with myself in my own mind everyday and I hate it.

Recent Sadie sayings: Sadie got this really cool wooden, underwater themed, croquet set as one of her gifts from the surprise party she missed. She loves Alice in wonderland, and wanted that game because of that movie. When nanaw brought all of her gifts over, and she opened it, she couldn't pronounce croquet, so she said nanaw, I want to play crack hoe. I said Sadie girl nanaw is really good at playing crack hoe. She didn't understand what was so funny.

She thinks chocolate is called cocoa brown, and she knows I'm an addict for chocolate, so she's always asking if I want some cocoa brown. Of course mike chimes in with, "so mom, you like the cocoa brown"?

Sadie loves chicken, she wont stray from it, so to get her to eat other meat, we have to lie and call it brown chicken. All day, all I hear is mom, I want some chicken brown brown. Between the crack hoes, the cocoa brown and the chicken brown brown, mike swears people are gonna think were racist. Our old neighbor was a colored girl, and Sadie called her cocoa. I was so embarrassed. Just so happens, her brown dogs name was cocoa. Ever since then, all colored people and anything brown is cocoa to her. I can deal with the cocoa comments, cause I've had to in the past, but I hope to god she never says crack hoe in public. How could i cover that one up?? No one would ever believe me that she was really talking about croquet. For the record, I teach her to love all of gods creations regardless of there situation or race.

To Stephanie, Jenna, and Mistie, I love you girls so much, and i hope you got your blog fix......I won't wait so long next time. Thank you for your prayers, ours are with you and your families as well.

Ya can't fix stupid

This post is long overdue. I haven't posted since we got out of the hospital. Sadie finally cleared her chemo on mon morning. Exactly a week later!!! It was a long stay. Her kidney function returned to it's baseline, but that doesn't mean that long term damage was not done. I pray this is not the case. Effects of these drugs can be immediate or years down the line. Everything's a waiting game. The day before we left, Sade woke up throwing up blood. I panicked and obviously asked to see a doctor. 2 1/2 hours later, more blood and still no doc. I was pissed. I went to the nurses station and said "doctor, now". The doc came, but with her counts falling, they would not do a scope, so it was assumed that it was a sore in her throat. I wanted to know for sure, but that was not an option. At this point, her lips were raw and swollen due to mouth sores from the chemo, so sores in the throat were likely. Aside from this, she was struggling with the fever, and her blood was so low that she was sleeping 14+ hours a day. She would not get out of bed. Her depression factor alone of being in there so long was tiring enough. I have seen Sadie bad before, but it caught me off guard this time, cause she went down hill so fast. She would not eat or drink, and couldn't because of the sores, so taking her off the iv fluids scared me even more. The morning she cleared, her white count was at a 0.35, so she had no immune system. She wound up receiving a blood transfusion, and after the transfusion, it was decided that she could go home under the assumption that she would do better in her own environment. She had to return if she didn't eat or drink, or have adequate urine output. We got home, and her appetite did return, but her mouth hurt so bad that she couldn't eat. She was getting so aggravated by this, and she is such a picky eater, so pudding, jello, mashed potatos, or anything else soft like that, she refuses to touch. When she finally did eat, she coughed up a hunk of skin with blood on it, comparable to the consistency of chicken fat. I called the doc, and she said that it was a part of a mouth/throat sore, that broke off. Obviously it was from the throat if she coughed it up, which explains the source of blood in the vomit earlier that week. After this episode, she went back to not eating cause that wound was opened again. Her mouth still hurts today, but consuming food is getting easier as the days pass.
I took Sadie for counts yesterday at the local lab we always go to, and unfortunately, our regular phlebotomist Kelly, was on vacation. Hope everyone is ready for this, cause I'm about to get all fired up. We sit down to have the finger poke, and I tell the lady that the last time we were here, Sadie had to have two, cause her hand was too cold and it wouldn't drain, so I requested a disposable hand warmer to heat the blood. She says oh, were not doing that today, were gonna access the vein. I said um, I'm sorry but no were not. It is written in her orders that a finger poke is done at all times and that she is not to have her vein accessed. This fucking bitch kept insisting that she was accessing her vein, even as my daughter is crying that no she's not. I told her that if she was not gonna do it the way protocol says to do it then she needs to get me someone that can. She huffed and puffed as she left the room, and when she returned, she slammed some shit on the counter and says, I have been doing this for 20 years, and u are doin more harm to her than good. I said look, her own children's hospital will not even take her blood that way, and for all you or I know, her platelets could be low, and u want to wrap a truncate around her arm and poke her vein which could cause severe bleeding and bruising under her skin. Not to mention, it's traumatizing and hurts like hell to a three year old. Shut the fuck up and do it, and by the way, u obviously don't know what your talking about u stupid cunt. To top it off, she used an adult sized finger needle, when common sense says to use the child size. I did not see this till after it happened. What was supposed to be a retractable needle, didn't retract out of sadies finger cause the needle was so big. Sadie was so upset. After it was all over, sade asked for a sticker, and the bitch says, we don't have any. Bulshit, Sadie donates her own stickers to that place so I know they have some. Sure enough, one of the other ladies brought some in. I left there and called quest headquarters and put in a request to speak with the head super and the branch supervisor. They called today, and I let them have it. As if Sadie doesn't already go through enough. That's not even half of it, but I will stop there cause I get so pissed talking about it. Ironically, sadies cousin dray had to have blood work that same day, so I rode with my sis there. He was in a different room getting his done about the same time. Wish to god my sis would have been in the room with me. Haha, I can only imagine!!! That woman would not have stood a chance. Shawnnas a mean bitch. Sorry sis, I love u so much, but u are. So after counts are drawn locally, they are faxed to sadies hospital, and I receive a call from a nurse with the status. We went at 10:30am, and at 3:30pm, still no call. From the time the blood is taken, the lab has three hours to report the counts. Three hours was passed, so I called Glennon, and the nurse says oh, I lost them. I said what do u mean u lost them. She said, sorry but I lost them, do u need them?? Well hell yeah I need them, when we left, she had no immune system and low platelets. As sadies nurse, she needed them too. How was anyone to know if she needed a transfusion without them?? The nurse never found them, but eventually called to have another copy faxed. I swear, you can't fix stupid!!!! Today was just a bad day to get counts.
On a happier note, Sadie seems to be doing better. Her whites came up a little, but her plates are low. She has minor bruising goin on, but she's not ready to transfuse. Her mouth still hurts, but she is eating and drinking now. We took her to see the smurf movie tonight, assuming it wouldnt be crowded, and luckily it wasn't. If it was we could not have stayed. That was her first outing in public like that since d day, and it's so scary taking her out, but she is so miserable sitting at home day after day after day. She really wanted to see it, and She had a really good time. Everytime someone would get too close (literally 5 yards away)she would put her hand up and yell NO!!!! So sad she has to be that cautious, but glad she knows how to be, even if their a mile away. You should have seen me disinfecting the theater chairs and laying a towel out on hers for her to sit on. People must think I'm crazy, but I dare them to say it to my face. I have so much rage and anger, that I feel sorry for the one that does.

No clearing in sight.......

Nanaw and sadie

Sadie behind the nurses station hangin out

patrick and sadie

the glennon clocks

        So, we are still at the hospital.  Sadie has encountered a few problems that have set us back from going home.  First and foremost, her kidney fuction has been a concern.  Everyone of us has a creatinine baseline, and when that makes a big jump of any kind, it is a concern that our kidneys are in distress of some sort, especially after recieving a 24 hour chemo drip. By creatnine, I mean the ability to remove/filter waste through the kidneys.  Sadies creatinine made that suspicious climb within 24 hours of the chemo, so it has since been monitered every 12 hours along with the methotrexate levels in the blood.  Protocal/research says that methotrexate should clear the body within 48 hours.  Well, as you can plainly see from this post and earlier posts, this has never been the case for sadie.  Our shortest stay with this type of treatment has been four days.  This go round, we are about to approach our sixth day, and we will be lucky to get out of here before the eighth. 
        Her not clearing the methotrexate is our second set back.  They have had her maxed out on the ammount of fluids allowed for a child of her size, in hopes to flush it out faster, and to help with the kidneys, but her body has yet to rid it.  It is very slowly moving through her.  If the chemo clears within 48 hours, it does little damage to the "good cells" since its a cell specific drug, but.......any chemo left behind beyond the 48 hour mark starts knocking out everything.  Needless to say, Sadies blood, platelets, and whites have drastically been reduced.  A blood transfusion is in her near future, but I forsee her platelets recovering on their own.  Dont ask me how I know that, I just do.  Her pattern, her body and her treatment, is all I educate myself on at the moment.  Every chemo drug targets cells in a different way, and as I've said before, they are all count lowering, but..... methotrexate is "suppose" to be one of those that isnt extremely bone marrow supressive cause its "suppose" to leave the body fairly quickly.  "Suppose" to my ass!!!!! Like most harmful drugs though, the longer it remains in the body, the more damage it does to it.  This is where we are at with it now. 
        Our third set back is the fever.  This is sadies fourth treatment like this within two months, and every time, like clock work, she spikes that damn fever.  You'd think they would figure it out, cause each time the fever gets higher and lasts days longer.  Their only response is, "we dont know why she does that".  I have researched it myself, and its a form of an allergic response to one of the drugs given to help lessen the toxicity affects of the methotrexate.  This medicine is given every six hours starting 18 hours after the methotrexate is completely infused, and she has to have it to protect her organs.  With each admission we have had for this treatment, after that first dose of the rescue med, she starts in with the fever.  Now tell me thats not the cause of it........I also believe, this is the exact reason why she always needs a blood transfusion after this specific treatment.  In addition to the chemo affecting the production of blood, fevers feed off of it and eat it up.
        Its so hard to explain all of this in terms that anybody could understand, if you cant follow me, im sorry.  When I first started educating on all of this, it was a foreign language to me, and now I find it hard to explain in non-medical terms lol........Again, I appologize if I am hard to follow.  I know what I want to say, but I am trying to word it so its some what understandable.  Anyway..........sadie had a horrible night last night, she had to take meds at 1am, and she hates being woke up.  The first time we tried, she spit it all over me.  The second time we tried, she gagged on it and out it came.  Finally, i was like, lets try the pill form.  Yes, Sadie girl knows how to swallow pills, but at night the liquid is given cause it is so much easier than trying to get her to drink down two pills when shes throwing a tantrum cause her beauty sleep was disturbed.  The med was the rescue med I just mentioned and it has to be taken exactly on time, so she had no choice in the matter.  The shitty part, is that every med needed has to be ordered, and sent up from the pharmacy.  She kept falling back asleep before the new dose arrived.  She finally wound up taking the pill form, but she was so upset about it.  I secretly cried after she was settled back in bed, I HATE seeing her upset, and she will upset herself so bad that she will start vomitting.
        With her hemoglobin being low, in combination with the chemo, she was very tired today, and not herself.  She did however get a small burst of energy and played kick ball with Patrick in the halls.  She had her nurse calling every floor today looking for blue popsicles.  We have popsicles on the floor, just not the blue ones, and what she wants, she gets.  Every floor started sending up blue popsicles through the transport tubes that run through the hospital.  She says, "popsicles are falling from the sky".  She is so spoiled by her nurses.  Sometimes, they just come and take her from me, and I'll find her behind the nurses desk just hanging out.  She'll look at me and say, "go back to your room mom".  Im so happy that she has taken to them like she has.  They all fight over who gets to be her nurse for the day, its so funny, and so reassuring to me, cause it shows that they really care about her.  Its not just a job for them, its a passion. 
        Maw was with us monday-thursday, and nanaw was with us thursday-friday.  Tonight, shes got me and dad.  We went exploring earlier in the wagon, we covered every floor. Friday nights are so dead here, so I thought it would be a good opportunity to see some new scenery (with her full face mask in tact of course).  Sadie calls these outings, "ventures".  There are beautiful, moving clocks scattered around the whole hospital, and each time we come, we revisit them and try to find new ones.  She had a good time, and it was nice to see new things. 
        This is off subject, but I feel really bad about it.  I was so aggravated earlier in the week.  There was a little boy across from us, I'd say between 1-1 1/2 yrs old, that cried non stop.  He was here before we got here, so I dealt with it from day one of admission.  All hours of the night and day, this child cried, and cried, and cried.  It didnt matter if you shut your door and turned the TV up, you could hear this kid crying throughout the entire fourth floor.  Seriously!!!!!  It got to the point that sadie started questioning me about him, and she was clearly upset by this constant crying.  This is when I got mad.  Not at the child, but at the mother.  She refused to shut the door to her room, and she would not hold that baby to soothe him if her life depended on it.  CLOSE YOUR FUCKING DOOR, AND TEND TO YOUR SON!!!!!  No exaggerating, you could not sleep.  He cried 20 hours out of the day.  So anyway, I peeked in on him one day while the mother was away, and he had a broken arm and a broken leg, on opposite sides of the body.  I initially thought the way the mother was towards this child was weird, but when I saw the injuries, I knew something wasnt right.  Wed night, I saw the mother walk out with what appeared to be three of her friends, and she never returned.  The next day, social services came and took the baby.  She was linked to being a cause of the injuries, and my guess is that she got word of that, and bailed out.  How? and Why?, is all I can think.  People are so F'ed up.  I feel so bad now for getting so aggravated, and wishing he would go home. Now, all I want to do is give him a hug.  That baby cried so much cause he was neglected and abused.
        Well sadie is sound asleep, so I am gonna hopefully join her.  I have the hardest time falling asleep, my mind never stops.  Sweet dreams to all.........

Home sweet Hospital



the oscar doll

         We had an early birthday party for Sadie last Sunday with the immediate family.  Her birthday isnt until the 21st of september, but her next phase of chemo is approaching and she will be confined to the house with no visitors during this time.  All of her chemo meds are count lowering to an extint, but this next phase is very intense and extremely count lowering.  I will post about what this phase consists of at a later date. So anyways, she had a blast at her party, the family has not been together like that since last christmas due to her treatments.  I had to give her a party one way or another, and that was my only chance to do so.  She was like "OMG its my birthday?????"  Totally confusing to her im sure, but it was a good time and thats all that matters.  A huge I love you, and thank you to my family for pulling it off on such short notice.  I felt very complete with the family together, and cant wait till this christmas to be able to do it again pending sadie's counts.  Please know that we think of you all everyday, and would be around always if we could. 
        We are back at the hospital as of Monday.  No spinal this time WooHoo!!!!!!  She just got off of her 24 hour drip around 7:30 this evening, and word just came back that her liver enzymes have increased drastically this go round.  This is not good news.  Retest is set for 7am.  They better figure it out quick and do what needs to be done to fix it.  Sadie already feels like shit.  Usually, it takes a few days, but it hit her pretty quick this time.  That tells me, that its gonna be rough the next couple of weeks.  When shes off, or in a bad mood, I am as well.  Today was really bad.  STUDENT DOCTORS, need I say more??? I threw a fit to anyone and everyone in my path about them.  They are not allowed in my childs room for any reason.  It is posted on the door and they have verbally been told as well, but.........there is always one that thinks they are the exception.  What the hell is so special about them, I do not know, but im not having it.  I really dont want to get started on them again, so I wont. The knocks on the door throughout our stay are unbelievable.  GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CHILDS ROOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I dont know who these people are, or where these people have been, yet they want to spread there funk to my daughter????  I dont think so, lets take it outside.......................  I am such a mean bitch when it comes to my baby girl, but I feel like I have to be.  Ive tried being nice.  Nice doesnt work.  Okay, again, im done with that.  It just really gets me going.  To Ray, I loved your post about these "students". Where are you when I need ya??? lol
        So my mom decided to get this oscar the grouch doll for sadie, and told sadie that whoever is "crabby" has to hold oscar until they are not crabby anymore.  I know I was her inspiration on that one, cause as soon as the doll was bought, everyone in the room agreed that I should have to hold it.  Come to think of it, im the only one thats had to hold it.  They are all too amused by this.  Am I really that bad???  To justify my mood, I get pissed for good reason, and shouldnt have to have the oscar doll.  Thanks Momma.  Its like the bell all over again.  I can see it now, I should just get oscar tattooed on my face, cause I'll be seeing a lot of him, and I need my hands free. 

sadies cousins at her party

my beautiful niece Mazi

my bro, aka uncle mike

me and my bro mike

my bro, aka uncle jake

me and my sis, aka aunt shawnna

the guys, not a good combo

Dray, maddie, mazi, sadie, ty, sonny, luke

all the kids prints

happy birthday my love

my sis, aka aunt jen, uncle mike and my nephew sonny

my amazing father

I have a new niece in that beautiful belly

mike, aka sadies daddy

she is the sweetest little girl ever

mike and mazi

im Mazi's Fav lol

my damn sign I always talk about

        Today was like a mile marker so to speak.  It was the last HD methotrexate treatment, and the end of this phase, other than the oral chemo that she will continue at home through the 9th of august.  Her next phase is mostly out patient except for one treatment, and thats just an over night stay.  Unfortunately, we will not be totally free of nights here though. With her counts low, she could get sick and is most likely to run a fever at any time.  When this happens, away we go, and we have to stay until her counts recover.  This took 9 days the last time it happened.  She fell on her knee (barely scraped it), and within 12 hours, infection set in and fever spiked.  A simple scrape on the knee turned into staph infection that fast. I hated this phase so much because of all the hospital stays, but now that I think of it, the planned stays are better than the spontaneous ones in the middle of the night, or at any random time throughout the day.  I never get too comfortable at home because I know our being there is only temporary and short lived.  I am so grateful for this place, but I just want to be at home.  Sadie should be living the life of a three year old right now, but instead she spends her days sick and hooked to a pole recieving treatments.  The neighbor girl is always asking to play with her, and I had to tell her mom why sadie couldnt. She is always watching the other kids play, and will make comments like; "momma I wish I could play with them, but I cant because I have cancer." It pisses me off.  She could play with them, but if she were to get sick, it could kill her.  Its just not worth it to me.  I as her mother dont even kiss her for fear of her getting my germs.  It kills me, but I tell her as soon as I can, im sucking her lips right off her face.  She says she cant wait. I dont think she believes me, and im so serious.  She is very aware of germs, so she will ask me if I have her mask, or if I washed my hands, or if I drank from her cup, etc......She is so wise beyond her years, and that saddens me.  I reassure her daily that she is special and that god has chose her for this for a reason.  I do nothing but dote on her constantly.  I over hear some people whisper, "look at her, whats wrong with her??"  To these people, if my daughter wasnt with me, I would bash your face in.  People are very cruel.  I was never like this, but my home life was diffferent.  My father is handicapped so I have dealt with rude people all of my life.  At two years old, he was given a vaccine to prevent polio, and instead, it gave it to him.  He knows all about hospital life.  That wonderful man has endured more surgeries and treatments than even sadie will be able to comprehend.  As a toddler he spent months in the iron lung with nothing but a tiny window above his face to see his parents through.  He called it his rocket ship, and thats exactly what it looks like.  They have one of these at the science center.  For those of you that have never seen one, you should google it.  Its very interesting, but very sad to me at the same time.  My father is very amazing and his stories never bore me.  He deeply sympathizes with sadie because of his own experiences and it is very hard for him to even speak of her cause he gets so upset.  To this day, he hates doctors and hospitals, and wouldnt go to one if he was dying.  Seriously!!!!!  He remembers it all.   Think of our medical treatment back then.  It was all experimental.  He is a true inspiration to me, as well as my grandparents for pulling him through it.  My family is so wonderful.  I do and I dont want Sadie to remember this.  I want her to always value life, and give back to people.  I want her to remember all of those that helped her.  I dont want her to remember the pain and losing out on her childhood. 
       
       
       
    

The difference

Sade has had a pretty good week, but she woke up with some kind of illness today. She was coughing all day yesterday, and in her sleep last night, so now today, it's worse. Were scheduled for HD methotrexate on monday, so she can not be getting sick. I hate that added stress on top of everything else. We have been fighting a lot lately, lol. She can't go in public at the moment, and it's so hot outside, so she is confined to the house. That is her life right now. Hospital and home, hospital and home. It sucks!!!! She is so needy and whiney, and crabby,and is so mean to me. I know she's aggravated, and she can't comprehend that I am as well. I suffer right along with her every step of the way. Our moods effect each other deeply. I feel like such a bad mom. Three year olds are hard enough to deal with, but adding cancer to that makes it a million times worse. I take full responsibility for her being the way she is, for I can't discipline her, cause in the back of my mind, I know she's sick and I fear losing her so I spoil her rotten. I have no one to blame but myself, so how can I be mad at her. She is such a brat, and most days I want to pull my hair out because of it. I can't take it, and I feel like a horrible mother for wishing it was bedtime, or wanting a break. Am I the only one that wishes these things?? I am grateful for everyday I have with her, but OMG, is she a pain. For example, she has a bell that she rings when she wants something (thank you maw for teaching her that), or I serve her food and she throws a fit because it's not on her princess plate. What about my princess plate?? Where is my bell?? Yesterday, she decides that she wants to play with face paint, so I paint her face and she paints mine. When were done, she insists on putting the lids on, after she pushed me away for trying to help her. So......I walk to the sink to wash the paint brushes an here she comes running "mommy will you help me?", I instantly knew something happened. She had spilt the paint all over the carpet. Hot pink paint!!! To top it off, she stepped in it and tracked it everywhere. I freaked out. My carpet is a very light beige. I was like, oh my god what did you do?? She said oh mommy I'm sorry, do u still love me?? I said of course I do, she says ok then let's not worry about it. Need I say that I need new carpet?? Mike says he wants more kids, and since were not together, he says he will just donate the sperm so his children will have the same mother. LMFAO!!!!!! That ain't happinin captain!!!!! One is enough to last me 10 lifetimes. He has seriously fallen off the deep end with that one.
So I recently set up a Facebook account. The last in the world to do so I'm sure. Something about posting your life online and talking to people that I hadn't seen in years that probably hated me in high school, was not appealing to me at all. I was the biggest bitch in high school, and I'm sure anyone would vouch to that. I wasn't mean cause I didn't like people, I was mean cause I'm socially and emotionally retarded. I never let many people into my world. Some may have taken this as snobby, but its my shield and its a horrible vice ive always had I feel bad now, cause all of these people are totally amazing. They everyone are concerned and pray for my baby girl. Anyone of them would help me if asked, and just having them to talk to now is the greatest feeling of comfort. Thier support is phenomenal and I can't thank them enough. One in particular, I have to post about. With her permission, she has allowed me to do so. I have very briefly touched on my OCD and anxiety, but the extent of it was left unsaid and will remain that way until another day. I'm not ready to let my readers know how crazy I really am just yet. Anyways, I find Courtney on FB, and I discover that she suffers with the same shit. She is just as crazy as I am, listening to her was like listening to myself. I feel so bad for her, yet hearing it out of someone else's mouth, is so hilarious to me. It's the most stupid condition I have ever heard of or dealt with, but there is no stopping it. To Courtney, I will not share the depths of your OCD, but when I share mine, yours too will be revealed, for you are my freaky twin. I love having someone to share it with that understands. I have not laughed so hard since before Sadie was diagnosed. I thank you for this. You brighten my day and make it a little easier to get through. I love you and your family. Thanks again to all for praying for Sadie. Also....a big thank you to all the new-commers on this site that have taken the time out to read sadies story and make her apart of your thoughts. As her mother, I am in debt to you all, and you can bet your ass, that if ever needed, I will be there for any one of you in a heartbeat. These are the people that make a difference. Even If you have only helped one person, you have still made a difference in that persons life, and that is an accomplishment that not everyone can say they have made. All of you are my difference.

The best of the worst

Well the weekend was good. Crazy busy at work on Saturday, so the night flew by. Sadie started vomitting again on Monday morning. Unfortunately this is when she had to go for counts, so needless to say, the trip was awful. We went to clinic instead of local just in case she had to be transfused, and I can't believe it!!!!! Sadie produced her own blood!!!!!! It was so low when we left on Friday, and she has not produced her own throughout the whole HD methotrexate phase, so I was shocked. No transfusions!!!! SO other than her throw ups and her constant falling she is good. By falling, I mean this: vincristine is a chemo drug that she has had since day one. It is given as a push in her port over a couple minutes. It affects the nervous system in forms of shaking, tremors, siezures, falling, etc. Anything that has to do with the central nervous system, it affects. So.......Sadie falls all the time. Her legs just give out under her, and she is very unstable. The more the drug is given, the worse it gets. It becomes toxic in the body when patients can not walk without assistance. When this happens, it can no longer be given. Sadie has to have this, so not giving it is not a good thing. It seems to be getting worse, and she has been complaining about pain in her legs a lot lately. Like most drugs, the effects are corrected once treatment is stopped, but we still have 22 1/2 months left before that happens. She will receive this particular drug throughout her whole treatment.
We saw Ravens family when we were leaving yesterday. Like always, her grandpa is always wanting to talk it out, and I am more than willing to listen. Some of her jelly tumors FILL her abdomen, so the pressure on her insides is intense. They inserted a draining tube down her nose, to her stomach, in hopes to relieve some of that pressure. She said she felt a little better, so they were gonna send her home on this pump to make her more comfortable. Mike and I both have always peeked in on her to say hey and chat for a bit, but I don't know how to do this now. I know she enjoys the company and interaction, but I'm afraid to see her. Images of Emily lying there lifeless, haunt my thoughts, and I don't want to remember Raven that way. Like Sadie, she was diagnosed in February as well, so our families have been in this together since the beginning. When Sadie was diagnosed, we were told that she had the best cancer for a child her age to get. "Best" and "Cancer" should not be used in the same sentence, much less using the word "best" to describe a cancer, but now I get it. Sadie is lucky. This family is lucky, I am lucky. As sick and twisted as that sounds, it's true. Sadie has the best of the worst and I am so grateful for that. Cancer is cancer in any instance, but some really are better than others. Dear God, Thank you.......

Thank you

Thank you all for your response to Raven. Sadie is good today. Fever last night, we almost had to go back in. She is soooooooooo happy to be home. It's back to work tonight for me, so Sadie gets a sleep over with maw. They are both like little kids on Christmas morning when they get to see each other. Thank you again to everyone for all of your compassion and love towards my family and others in our situation. Have a wonderful weekend.

Home again, and prayers for Raven

Well, Sadie did not clear her 5am draw, but she did clear her 1pm draw, so we are home at last. She was so excited to come home. When we were pulling out, she said "I am so sick of this place". I had them pull another CBC today, and her counts are unfortunately dropping. Her platelets have dropped by thousands within a day, and so have her whites. We will probably be back in for a blood transfusion in a couple of days, but I'm hoping she at least makes it through the weekend. If so, she will go for a finger poke on Monday to see what damage was done by the chemo.
Upon leaving today, we ran into Raven's grandparents and heard some very unfortunate news. Ravens story is very sad. She is 11 years old, and was diagnosed with neuroblastoma. By the time it was caught, she was already in stage four. She has done several treatments, but her cancer is not responding to them. In combination to the solid tumors she has, she also has jelly tumors, which, hence the name, are jelly. They can not be removed, or operated on in any way. She is such a fighter. The first time we met her, was when Sadie was first diagnosed, and as miserable as she was, she fought it with all her strength. We have talked to her and her family a lot, and always saw them in clinic and up on the floor, so when we hadn't seen them in awhile, I thought, Great!!!!!!!! She must be doing good!!!!! Wrong........a month ago they told her grandfather that she had two months left to live. They sent her home on an oral chemo to prolong her life, and morphine for the pain. A couple of days ago, he said that Raven asked him what was going on, and for him to be honest with her. He looked at her and said "you will not be here for Christmas this year". He didn't tell her exactly what the docs told him, for he didn't know how. Today, she asked him if she could go stay at the hospital and get more medicine for the pain, so......the hospital they went. He said he thinks she is scared of the unknown more than anything, and being at the hospital kinda eases that worry. In an earlier post I had commented on some people having so much bad in their lives and very few moments of good. This is Raven and her grandparents. Just before Raven was diagnosed, her mother was murdered by her husband, who was Ravans step father. Ravens Biological father is not around, so this is why she lives with her grandparents. Prior to that, her grandmother was in an accident and is now wheel chair bound. I can not imagine a day in the life of this family. When I hear things like this, is when I question God. I have always prayed for Raven and her family, but many more prayers for them are needed now. We can not stop GODs will, but God can bring them peace. Please pray that he does.

Dave



Sadies "dave doll" (orange).  LMFAO!!!!!!

 I gotta introduce you all to Dave.  Dave is a child-life specialist, meaning that his job is to interact with the children, play games with them, and shower them with gifts while they are in the hospital.  He specializes in the cancer patients, and is designated to the fourth floor.  Cool job huh????  He is one of my favorite people here, and we know just about everything there is to know about each other.  Sadie is very special to Dave, and she recieves alot of his attention.  There is a toy closet here stacked from floor to ceiling with nothing but rows and rows of new toys.  So........needless to say, he spoils the hell out of her.  Dave takes to alot of the families, but not like he has taken to ours.  It is as though he has been apart of us for years.  I love him so much.  He has absolutly no filter on his mouth what-so-ever, so whether your wanting honesty or not, he is giving it.  Although there have been many times that Ive wanted to smack him for saying some of the things he says, I love him for that trait.  He is truly a very special and unique person, and the fact that my daughter likes him so much, is enough for me to find a forever friend in him.  He is a lot of the reason that we were able to keep our sanity after the initial diagnosis.  He helped to take our minds off of the chaos at hand, and filled us with positive feed back that our sadie girl was gonna be okay.  Ironically, the first time I met him, I thought, "who the hell is this guy, and there is no way in hell that my daughter will ever take to you in any way".  Wow, was I wrong.  Sadie loves him, and even has a little doll that she calls her "dave doll" lol.  We are all almost too comfortable with each other now.  Dave brings laughter and sunshine to my day.  

Still here....

Sadie still has not cleared the methotrxate.  Her 42 hour level was a 0.76 and her 48 hour level was a 0.41.  Like clockwork, everytime we are here for this chemo treatment, she spikes a fever.  Luckily it is low grade and hopefully it stays this way.  Her next draw is at 5:00am. I do not foresee her clearing by then, but I could be wrong.  She was'nt as active today, so the chemo is definately catching up to her, but hopefully she has many good days to come.  Maw had been here with us since tuesday, but had to leave today.  She and Sadie break my heart when they have to part.  Sadie cries, so maw cries, then I cry cause there both upset.  We all do better when maw is here.  Sadie is content, and so am I, for my mother is my greatest friend, and mike swears that I am nicer to him when she is around, so even he will say "I miss maw".  If she only knew how much she is loved and missed when she is gone.................  Sadie had a complete meltdown when she left, and didnt really calm down until Nanaw got here.  I dont understand why she is so miserable with just mike and I.  We are by far the coolest parents a child could have, so I dont see what the problem is.  Nanaw came for a sleep over, but has to leave early in the morn, so poor sade is stuck with me tomorrrow.  Oh how horrible that must be!!!!!  Parting with Nanaw is not an easy task either.  Sadie likes to see her visitors off by waiving to them until they are out of sight, I have not seen a person yet, who can wave back and not cry while doing it.  Its awful.  I love my baby girl sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much, and judging by all the tear-filled eyes and sniffling noses of everyone else, I know she is loved that much by them too.