Home sweet Hospital



the oscar doll

         We had an early birthday party for Sadie last Sunday with the immediate family.  Her birthday isnt until the 21st of september, but her next phase of chemo is approaching and she will be confined to the house with no visitors during this time.  All of her chemo meds are count lowering to an extint, but this next phase is very intense and extremely count lowering.  I will post about what this phase consists of at a later date. So anyways, she had a blast at her party, the family has not been together like that since last christmas due to her treatments.  I had to give her a party one way or another, and that was my only chance to do so.  She was like "OMG its my birthday?????"  Totally confusing to her im sure, but it was a good time and thats all that matters.  A huge I love you, and thank you to my family for pulling it off on such short notice.  I felt very complete with the family together, and cant wait till this christmas to be able to do it again pending sadie's counts.  Please know that we think of you all everyday, and would be around always if we could. 
        We are back at the hospital as of Monday.  No spinal this time WooHoo!!!!!!  She just got off of her 24 hour drip around 7:30 this evening, and word just came back that her liver enzymes have increased drastically this go round.  This is not good news.  Retest is set for 7am.  They better figure it out quick and do what needs to be done to fix it.  Sadie already feels like shit.  Usually, it takes a few days, but it hit her pretty quick this time.  That tells me, that its gonna be rough the next couple of weeks.  When shes off, or in a bad mood, I am as well.  Today was really bad.  STUDENT DOCTORS, need I say more??? I threw a fit to anyone and everyone in my path about them.  They are not allowed in my childs room for any reason.  It is posted on the door and they have verbally been told as well, but.........there is always one that thinks they are the exception.  What the hell is so special about them, I do not know, but im not having it.  I really dont want to get started on them again, so I wont. The knocks on the door throughout our stay are unbelievable.  GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CHILDS ROOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I dont know who these people are, or where these people have been, yet they want to spread there funk to my daughter????  I dont think so, lets take it outside.......................  I am such a mean bitch when it comes to my baby girl, but I feel like I have to be.  Ive tried being nice.  Nice doesnt work.  Okay, again, im done with that.  It just really gets me going.  To Ray, I loved your post about these "students". Where are you when I need ya??? lol
        So my mom decided to get this oscar the grouch doll for sadie, and told sadie that whoever is "crabby" has to hold oscar until they are not crabby anymore.  I know I was her inspiration on that one, cause as soon as the doll was bought, everyone in the room agreed that I should have to hold it.  Come to think of it, im the only one thats had to hold it.  They are all too amused by this.  Am I really that bad???  To justify my mood, I get pissed for good reason, and shouldnt have to have the oscar doll.  Thanks Momma.  Its like the bell all over again.  I can see it now, I should just get oscar tattooed on my face, cause I'll be seeing a lot of him, and I need my hands free. 

sadies cousins at her party

my beautiful niece Mazi

my bro, aka uncle mike

me and my bro mike

my bro, aka uncle jake

me and my sis, aka aunt shawnna

the guys, not a good combo

Dray, maddie, mazi, sadie, ty, sonny, luke

all the kids prints

happy birthday my love

my sis, aka aunt jen, uncle mike and my nephew sonny

my amazing father

I have a new niece in that beautiful belly

mike, aka sadies daddy

she is the sweetest little girl ever

mike and mazi

im Mazi's Fav lol

my damn sign I always talk about

        Today was like a mile marker so to speak.  It was the last HD methotrexate treatment, and the end of this phase, other than the oral chemo that she will continue at home through the 9th of august.  Her next phase is mostly out patient except for one treatment, and thats just an over night stay.  Unfortunately, we will not be totally free of nights here though. With her counts low, she could get sick and is most likely to run a fever at any time.  When this happens, away we go, and we have to stay until her counts recover.  This took 9 days the last time it happened.  She fell on her knee (barely scraped it), and within 12 hours, infection set in and fever spiked.  A simple scrape on the knee turned into staph infection that fast. I hated this phase so much because of all the hospital stays, but now that I think of it, the planned stays are better than the spontaneous ones in the middle of the night, or at any random time throughout the day.  I never get too comfortable at home because I know our being there is only temporary and short lived.  I am so grateful for this place, but I just want to be at home.  Sadie should be living the life of a three year old right now, but instead she spends her days sick and hooked to a pole recieving treatments.  The neighbor girl is always asking to play with her, and I had to tell her mom why sadie couldnt. She is always watching the other kids play, and will make comments like; "momma I wish I could play with them, but I cant because I have cancer." It pisses me off.  She could play with them, but if she were to get sick, it could kill her.  Its just not worth it to me.  I as her mother dont even kiss her for fear of her getting my germs.  It kills me, but I tell her as soon as I can, im sucking her lips right off her face.  She says she cant wait. I dont think she believes me, and im so serious.  She is very aware of germs, so she will ask me if I have her mask, or if I washed my hands, or if I drank from her cup, etc......She is so wise beyond her years, and that saddens me.  I reassure her daily that she is special and that god has chose her for this for a reason.  I do nothing but dote on her constantly.  I over hear some people whisper, "look at her, whats wrong with her??"  To these people, if my daughter wasnt with me, I would bash your face in.  People are very cruel.  I was never like this, but my home life was diffferent.  My father is handicapped so I have dealt with rude people all of my life.  At two years old, he was given a vaccine to prevent polio, and instead, it gave it to him.  He knows all about hospital life.  That wonderful man has endured more surgeries and treatments than even sadie will be able to comprehend.  As a toddler he spent months in the iron lung with nothing but a tiny window above his face to see his parents through.  He called it his rocket ship, and thats exactly what it looks like.  They have one of these at the science center.  For those of you that have never seen one, you should google it.  Its very interesting, but very sad to me at the same time.  My father is very amazing and his stories never bore me.  He deeply sympathizes with sadie because of his own experiences and it is very hard for him to even speak of her cause he gets so upset.  To this day, he hates doctors and hospitals, and wouldnt go to one if he was dying.  Seriously!!!!!  He remembers it all.   Think of our medical treatment back then.  It was all experimental.  He is a true inspiration to me, as well as my grandparents for pulling him through it.  My family is so wonderful.  I do and I dont want Sadie to remember this.  I want her to always value life, and give back to people.  I want her to remember all of those that helped her.  I dont want her to remember the pain and losing out on her childhood.