Where do I start???

     I dont know where to start.  My last post was very bitter and filled with anger.  There are so many things and so many feelings that I have not yet expressed or talked about, but I feel that I am ready to now.  Okay, maybe not ready to, but its needed.  I started this blog for two reasons. One being that family and friends could keep up with sadie's treatment and her day-to-day well being first hand, and the second as an outlet for my feelings.  If you know me, then you know that just saying the word "feelings" makes me want to throw up in my mouth.  So many have told me to just let it out, so..........let it out I will.
     First of all, I want to say thank you to all of you for listening to me bitch on a daily basis, and more importantly, taking the time out to keep up with little sadie girl.  There have been a couple thousand views in under a months time and although not all of you leave public comments, I do recieve and thank you for your emails.  Some of you I do not know, and you do not know me, and for that simple fact, you amaze me.  My daughter is in your prayers without you ever having met her.  Individuals like yourselves are very special and the world needs more people like you in it. People all over know Sadies story. 
     Secondly, I want to give a Sadie update.  We were admitted yesterday for another HD methotrexate treatment.  She recieved a spinal tap with an injection of chemo into the spine, a dose of vincristine (chemo through IV), and the HDM in addition to the oral chemo she has been taking for weeks.  She just got off of the HDM around 3:00pm today.  Her methotrexate level came back at a 65.06.  Kidney function is good, liver enzymes not so good, but should repair with time.  For those of you that have no idea what I am talking about, read the post HD Methotrexate. 
     Counts were drawn on tuesday before chemo was started, and they were good.  Another draw on counts is scheduled for tomorrow.  Exciting news, we got the shower room again!!!!!!  We called in advance to make reservations lol. Seriously........   So far, no throw-ups, but it usually doesnt hit her till we get home.  She is in such good spirits.  I love seeing her this way, and in a sense its kinda nice to see the people here.  It truly is a second family and as much as I hate being here, I miss them when im gone. 
     Upon arriving on the fourth floor tuesday, I learned that we are about to lose yet another member of our family to this disgusting disease.  James, a six year old, adorable little boy, has a brain tumor that not even the best of the best hospitals will operate on.  His mother informed me that he was given, at most, three months to live.  One month, if they choose to take him home to pass.  Here's the worst part; nobody stays up here with him.  Every night between 6-8pm, the family leaves, and he is here alone.  I can not tell you how many times I have walked past his room just so I could talk to him, say a prayer, and give him some company.  If I could, I would sit beside his bed every night. If I could, I would wrap him in my arms, and give him all the love in my heart.  If I could, I would give my life to save any one of these children.  I dont just worry about sadie, I worry about them all.  I pray for them all, I think about them all, I cry for them all, I lose sleep over them all. Every single one of them hold a place within me, that will never go away. 
     I will not say what I want to say about James's mother, NO, actually I will.  James has been in here for a LONG time, and not once has that woman stayed with him.  I get so mad and try to avoid her like the plague.  If I have to listen to her talk so blah-za about her son one more time, I am gonna flip out. If you absolutely couldnt stay, that would be one thing, but she simply doesnt stay because it is uncomfortable for her to do so.  BOO-HOO BITCH!!!!!!!!!  Uncomfortable is my fist in your face and my foot up your ass.  There is nothing that could keep me away from my child, NOTHING, EVER!!!!!!  Thinking about it makes me sick, and infuriates me beyond belief.  I hate that I have to know these things and witness them first hand, but I will die a better person because of it.  It has changed my heart in ways that I can not describe.  I have always been an overly-sympathetic person as is, but this has really sent me over the top.  I can not believe some of the parents out there.  James's father is not around, but his mother has a boyfriend, and if he was any kind of man, he would suggest that she stay, or elect to stay himself if she would'nt.  Yes, it is none of my business, but she makes it my business by talking to me about it.  Little does she know that I check on him whenever she's gone.
     Speaking of piece of shit parents/BF's/GF's, I gotta get this off of my mind.  In an earlier post, I had talked about a falling out with my family.  This happened when Mike and I decided to get a divorce.  I love Mike dearly, but sometimes two people trash a relationship so bad that its next to impossible to see past all the hurt and resentment, and move on.  I came to this place in our marriage a very long time ago, and at one time, so did he.  We have lived apart more than we have together, and the fighting was not healthy for either one of us, but more importantly, it was not healthy for Sadie.  I was done.  Done with it all.  I met someone else just as the divorce was put into the works.   I did not plan it and I did not see this to be a big deal, cause in my mind it had been over for so long.  My family on the other hand, perceived this to be a horrible thing, and I went through hell for it.  Any kind of change is hard, and a divorce is like a loss in a way, but the big issue at hand was that I wasnt divorced yet.  I had to come to terms with the fact that it was my decision to make regardless of how they saw it.  Selfish it may sound, but when it comes to matters of the heart, that is a very personal decision that nobody can make for you. We seriously quit talking because of it, but I had to live my life for me, and not for anyone else.  So anyways............I meet this guy whom I think is great.  For privacy purposes, we will call him douche bag.  So I meet douche bag, and he is everything I could ask for in a man.  I dont introduce sadie to men, unless its a friend or something, but for some reason with Douche bag, I did.  Before I did, we had this long conversation about her being my number one priority, and that if in any way I did not like the way he was with her, he was gone.  Well............Sadie took to him right away, and they became best buds.  He treated her like a queen.  UNTIL...........almost a year later when sadie got diagnosed with cancer.  Where he is now, I do not know, but I do know this:  He used her to get to me.  I know this to be true because since he has left he has not checked on her once.  Regardless of his "problem" with me, for whatever reason, Sadie did nothing to him.  I have beat myself up night after night trying to figure out what I could have done different, but reality is this:  It's not me, it's him. He is a fucking creep.  The lowest of low.  A DOUCHE BAG!!!!!  My little girl loved him so much as did I, yet he was able to walk away from her without ever even looking back to see how she was doing.  So.......in all honesty, it wasnt a man I fell in love with, it was a boy.  I recently read a blog from a woman I met titled SEPARATING THE MEN FROM THE BOYS.  These were her words to me:  Jess, I have a breast cancer blog about my journey.  I have a post entitled "separating the men from the boys".  You should read it.  To walk out on a woman that has cancer, is one of the lowest, disgusting, forms of immaturity a man can display. But....to walk out on you and your child?? Got to be one of the most selfish things anyone can do.  You are blessed that the lord was protecting you from a lifetime of heartache.  I divorced that type of selfish man after having two, beautiful children with him.  Seven years later, I was sent the most giving, unselfish, man I know.  At 42 years old, he stood by me and watched me have both breasts removed, go bald, gain 60lbs, and give up my business and my income to cancer.  He took care of my kids, my dogs, cooked, cleaned, worked on straight commission, paid all the bills, and never missed a chemo sesssion or doctor's visit.  My husband definately loves me, but I think he loves my girls even more.  I think his biggest fear is losing his relationship with my children if my cancer returns, and takes my earthly life.  If this BOY loved you or your child, he would be there no matter what.  It is only through our hardships that we come to know the true suffering of Jesus.  Imagine how God felt to watch his son tortured and bleeding on the cross.  You probably know this feeling already.  You are strong and will be even stronger.  Plead the blood of Jesus over your angel, ask for her complete healing, and then let go and trust in the lord.  I will pray for you every day,........... Penny.  After reading this, it opened my eyes, and I am in debt to her for that.  Her words rang so true.   DB couldnt even stand by me while I fought for my world, my baby girl, a child whom he claimed was his world as well.  PLEASE.....................GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK...................................Huge difference between you and a man fuck face.  So, here's to you douche bag, you didnt deserve me, and you definately didnt deserve my daughter.  You were blessed that you were in our presence for as long as you were. 
     Im no longer sad thats he's gone, now im just pissed at the verbal abuse I put myself through everyday for wasting my time on someone so pathetic.  I seriously dont know how people like that sleep at night.  How do you use a 3 year old little girl to get to her mother, and spend so much time with that child, yet never really love them enough to check on the status of there potentially life-threatening disease??  That is so sick to me. Looking back now, im trying to figure out what the real attraction was to begin with.  I did everything for him but wipe his ass, although I bought the toilet paper for him to wipe with cause the cheap ass couldnt drop a dime on something other than himself to save his own life.  I was seriously supporting a second child. Okay, I better stop.  I could go on and on, but for the sake of my readers and saving face, I wont.  If not already asked, every one of you would have the same question: "what the hell were you doing with that piece of shit??"  Sadly, I do not know, but it will never happen again.  A huge "I told you so" from my family and friends is rightly justified in this case.  Even DB's own friends tried to tell me what a POS he was, but my dumb ass would'nt listen.  Im all ears now.........................
     If you havent noticed already, I am extremely hard on myself.  I blame myself for sadie all the time.  How her getting cancer is my fault, I dont know, but in my mind I feel that it is.  Its either mine or God's, and I have those days that I blame god, but then I think of judgement day and I oh-so-sweetly appologize.  So.......therefore, that leaves me.  I didnt do something right, so I did something wrong.  There is no logic behind this, but having someone or something to blame this on, gives a sense of control to an uncontrollable situation.  Everything happens for a reason, so putting reason somewhere is better than wondering what the hell the reason is.  Again, no logic, just peace of mind in a fucked up way.  I thought that I was the only person that thought this way, but after talking to the others on the cancer floor, I realized that we all do it.  Every parent up here thinks, or has thought, that they are responsible for there childs illness.  Sad, but so true.  Of course, like all the other parents, I have my breakdowns, and on those days that sadie is sick or I just cant please her, I try to talk reason with myself.  Outloud, to myself, and then it all magically disappears when from the other room, I hear sadie yell, "mom, are you freakin out again?".   Oh to be a fly on the wall in my home.
     I dont care much for holidays anymore.  It started on mothers day of this year when I woke up in tears, afraid that sadie would not be around for the following mothers day to say, "happy mothers day momma".  Every fucking holiday I feel this way.  I am so grateful to have her on holidays, but I cant help but focus on the, "what if I dont next year".  It sounds so wrong to think that way, but in this situation, its completely normal and unavoidable.  I would rather call off all holidays, so I never have to experience these thoughts again.  Speaking of holidays, and special days, Mikes birthday was yesterday.  Happy Birthday Babe.......Sadie baked him a cake in her easy bake oven.  Of course dad ate it all and loved every bite, didnt you dad?????  Sadie was so proud of herself.  She iced it and put sprinkles on it and everything.  The bulb went out before it was fully cooked, but hey, it was Mikes cake to enjoy no matter what.
     This year has been very rough, and I just want it to be over.  I have suffered a lot of loss.  There have been a lot of deaths around me due to cancer, and ironically, its been since sadie was diagnosed.  When I say loss to cancer, I mean other than the loss we experience at the hospital on the cancer floor. Cancer is all around me and I cant escape it. I lost a very dear friend a couple of months ago whom I still mourn every day.  I watched him fight cancer for years, and in the end it took him.  He was the absolute best pool player I have ever known.  Wherever he was, so was his pool stick.  That pool stick won tons of money and tournaments and now, it belongs to me.  Before he died he told his GF to make sure I got it.  It was his most prized possession.  I miss him so very much.  He told me before he died that if there was such a thing as GOD and guardian angels, then he would watch over sadie and I always, and tell GOD that sadie needs her mom, and mom needs sadie.  Lee Jackson, I will love you always, and I look forward to the day that we meet again.

     Thanks to all for reading.  It was a long one, but I feel relief now that its all said.  If Ive learned anything from these awful obstacles thrown before me, its that life is so short.  In the end, all that petty bulshit that you thought mattered, didnt really mean shit.  If you have family, then you have it all. I once heard that the family you are born to can not be taken, you are stuck with them so to speak, but.........the family that you choose to make is the blessing.  Its no longer a "have to", it then becomes a freedom of choice.  If you have both, then you are one lucky SOB.  Count your blessings everyday, because tomorrow, there might not be as many to count.  Good night to all.  Connie, Aunt C, Mallory, thank you again for watching my awful dogs.  I know they are a huge handful and completely out of control.  Sadie thanks you as well.  We appreciate it more than you know.