I can't help you

Took Sadie to the firework show at the park in herky last night. We were gonna sit in the car and watch so she wouldnt be in the crowd of people. She was so excited about it and couldn't wait to get there, but when we got there she said she wanted to go home. I was so sad for her cause she loves fireworks, and she had a blast there last year, but she just wasn't feeling up to it. I can't say it enough, I HATE CANCER. It robbs her of so much. When we got home we cuddled up on the couch and watched cheaper by the dozen part 2, and eventually she fell asleep. She woke up today about 9:00 and instantly started throwing up. It's now 4:30, and she still hasn't stopped. She is on an oral chemo every night for 57 days straight. Her little belly doesnt tolerate it that well, and the anti nausea meds stop working at this point. I keep throw up buckets throughout the whole house, and it pisses me off. It shouldn't be like this. Sadie knows right before she's gonna get sick, so she will tell u to get a bucket. Right before she vomits, she says, I hate this but us have to do it. Im sure all of us have watched our kids vomit, but it's usually due to the flu, and you know it will pass. Watching your child throw up because of cancer, has a whole different feeling that comes along with it. Its not gonna pass, not for a long time. In sadies case, 2 years. The images of it haunt me. She strains so hard that tears roll down her face, as it pours out of her mouth and nose. To top it off, she looks at me as if she is asking me to help her, but I can't. I can't take it
away or make it stop. I can hold the bucket and wipe her face, but I can't help. That's the
worst part for me. Children seek comfort from there parents, especially when there sick, and
especially from there mothers. They want you to fix it, but I can't. I can't, I can't, I
can't. I get so pissed off and so sad at the same time, but I have to accept what I cannot
change, and in this case, that's so hard for me. I will never come to terms with this.
Everyone tells me it's gonna be okay, but nothing about this is okay. Nothing about this is
EVER gonna be okay, so save your breath and say nothing. Just as I can not help Sadie, no one can help me. That's the harsh reality, that's the hand we were dealt, and that's the battle we have to fight everyday.