The difference

Sade has had a pretty good week, but she woke up with some kind of illness today. She was coughing all day yesterday, and in her sleep last night, so now today, it's worse. Were scheduled for HD methotrexate on monday, so she can not be getting sick. I hate that added stress on top of everything else. We have been fighting a lot lately, lol. She can't go in public at the moment, and it's so hot outside, so she is confined to the house. That is her life right now. Hospital and home, hospital and home. It sucks!!!! She is so needy and whiney, and crabby,and is so mean to me. I know she's aggravated, and she can't comprehend that I am as well. I suffer right along with her every step of the way. Our moods effect each other deeply. I feel like such a bad mom. Three year olds are hard enough to deal with, but adding cancer to that makes it a million times worse. I take full responsibility for her being the way she is, for I can't discipline her, cause in the back of my mind, I know she's sick and I fear losing her so I spoil her rotten. I have no one to blame but myself, so how can I be mad at her. She is such a brat, and most days I want to pull my hair out because of it. I can't take it, and I feel like a horrible mother for wishing it was bedtime, or wanting a break. Am I the only one that wishes these things?? I am grateful for everyday I have with her, but OMG, is she a pain. For example, she has a bell that she rings when she wants something (thank you maw for teaching her that), or I serve her food and she throws a fit because it's not on her princess plate. What about my princess plate?? Where is my bell?? Yesterday, she decides that she wants to play with face paint, so I paint her face and she paints mine. When were done, she insists on putting the lids on, after she pushed me away for trying to help her. So......I walk to the sink to wash the paint brushes an here she comes running "mommy will you help me?", I instantly knew something happened. She had spilt the paint all over the carpet. Hot pink paint!!! To top it off, she stepped in it and tracked it everywhere. I freaked out. My carpet is a very light beige. I was like, oh my god what did you do?? She said oh mommy I'm sorry, do u still love me?? I said of course I do, she says ok then let's not worry about it. Need I say that I need new carpet?? Mike says he wants more kids, and since were not together, he says he will just donate the sperm so his children will have the same mother. LMFAO!!!!!! That ain't happinin captain!!!!! One is enough to last me 10 lifetimes. He has seriously fallen off the deep end with that one.
So I recently set up a Facebook account. The last in the world to do so I'm sure. Something about posting your life online and talking to people that I hadn't seen in years that probably hated me in high school, was not appealing to me at all. I was the biggest bitch in high school, and I'm sure anyone would vouch to that. I wasn't mean cause I didn't like people, I was mean cause I'm socially and emotionally retarded. I never let many people into my world. Some may have taken this as snobby, but its my shield and its a horrible vice ive always had I feel bad now, cause all of these people are totally amazing. They everyone are concerned and pray for my baby girl. Anyone of them would help me if asked, and just having them to talk to now is the greatest feeling of comfort. Thier support is phenomenal and I can't thank them enough. One in particular, I have to post about. With her permission, she has allowed me to do so. I have very briefly touched on my OCD and anxiety, but the extent of it was left unsaid and will remain that way until another day. I'm not ready to let my readers know how crazy I really am just yet. Anyways, I find Courtney on FB, and I discover that she suffers with the same shit. She is just as crazy as I am, listening to her was like listening to myself. I feel so bad for her, yet hearing it out of someone else's mouth, is so hilarious to me. It's the most stupid condition I have ever heard of or dealt with, but there is no stopping it. To Courtney, I will not share the depths of your OCD, but when I share mine, yours too will be revealed, for you are my freaky twin. I love having someone to share it with that understands. I have not laughed so hard since before Sadie was diagnosed. I thank you for this. You brighten my day and make it a little easier to get through. I love you and your family. Thanks again to all for praying for Sadie. Also....a big thank you to all the new-commers on this site that have taken the time out to read sadies story and make her apart of your thoughts. As her mother, I am in debt to you all, and you can bet your ass, that if ever needed, I will be there for any one of you in a heartbeat. These are the people that make a difference. Even If you have only helped one person, you have still made a difference in that persons life, and that is an accomplishment that not everyone can say they have made. All of you are my difference.